Existence

It’s been a while since I last wrote something. I have been working on a couple of stories but I always end up disliking how I write them and give up. This time I decided to just release it even if I think that I can do better since what would be a better way to learn? 

I sat down in the typical cross legged stance and took a deep breath, deeper than I’ve had all day and closed my eyes. My thoughts started scattering around in my head as I tried so desperately to clean up my mind and settle down. I had read that meditation is the best way to clear your head and reduce stress so implementing it in my daily routine was long overdue. 

It would be a lie if I said that I was not terrified. I had spent so much time and effort to stay away from my deepest thoughts, be it gaming, watching TV or going outside. It became my talent to avoid them and in term become devoid of any self criticism possible. I did everything and anything that I could do to keep my mind off my doubts and insecurities knowing very well that if I opened that Pandora’s box I would have to face all of my fears, regrets and self doubts. Well, almost everything. At least I never really started using drugs or something like that. Although I was known to engage in one or two drunken stupors.

But after years of failure and disappointment it finally dawned on me that slowing down and listening to my inner self is the best thing to do. I was at a point where I had no idea who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. Learning from my previous mistakes I knew that if I wanted a permanent change I would have to start small and simple, and not just a complete shift of my way of life that I would get tired of after a few weeks.

The first few times were very difficult. I failed miserably in controlling my thoughts and my anxiety only kept increasing. I was barely able to last a couple of minutes. As stressed out as I was though, I knew that I had to keep going and give it another try. So I made it my job to do so every day.

Motivation kept rising and I knew that somehow I would have to hack my brain and use my vices to my benefit. Using my constant urge to go online I decided to look up easier ways to get into meditation. I found a channel of a monk that was teaching people how to meditate. He had such a calming and reassuring voice, I almost felt as if I was meant to find him. He would make short and simple instructional videos for people to follow along while meditating. It felt much safer with a guide alongside me to help me through my journey. What at first seemed impossible was slowly crawling closer.

Fast forward a few months and I was starting to feel like a natural. I finally found my niche. Each night, before falling asleep, I would get my noise cancelling headphones, sit down and stare in the darkness for what felt like hours. There was a certain calmness inside of the darkness. It was pure, relaxing and in a way, so alluring. It was finally rubbing off on me. It was in bite sized pieces but my mind was feeling clarity.

Unfortunately, I was enjoying it so much that I wanted to go even further. That is when I discovered psychedelics. Each week, I would have one “enhanced” meditative session. It was truly a unforgettable experience. My mind could feel no limits and I felt as if I was exploring everything around me from the comfort of my own room. From sensing everything inside of the room, I could sense the neighborhood, the street and every week it started to expand.

One faithful night, during one of my enhanced sessions I started to notice something different. I was sitting down in front of my bed with my legs crossed I was staring into the abyss. As usual, my eyes started slowly getting used to the darkness and I could make out the silhouette of my palms in front of my eyes. However this time, I noticed something different. It was barely noticeable but I saw it. Some sort of steam, for lack of a better word was emanating from my arms. Not only my arms, but I could see it as clearly as day from every part of my body.

This came as a shock to me. It completely disrupted my focus and left me in an uneasy mood. It just felt strange. As if it was draining me. But, I tried to ignore it and shift the focus to my breathing.

That’s when I heard it. A low pitched humming, somewhere in the distance. If it wasn’t so creepy it would have been peaceful. Chills ran down my spine as I tried to stop and turn on the lights. But I couldn’t. I was frozen in place. Now, I was really starting to panic. My breathing became erratic, my anxiety was building up and I wanted to shout from the top of my lungs but it was impossible. I tried everything that I could but moving was impossible.

Or so I thought. After what seemed to be hours I finally started going back up. And the timing could not have been better. I was about to go insane. Then again I probably was insane already. Because how else would I be able to explain the fact that my body was still on the ground while I…or some part of me was starting to float. As if my consciousness was leaving me. Before I could gather my thoughts I was outside of my home, over the clouds and heading right into the sky.

Before I knew it, I was in complete solitude, surrounded by planets, stars and galaxies. The sight was life changing. Utter bliss. It was wonderful. I was however slightly confused by a dark hole that was in the distance. It seemed to be getting bigger and bigger, or maybe I was being drawn to it. Inch by inch, bit by bit I kept creeping closer and closer to it.

It took me a while before I could actually fathom the size of it. I never imagined that something of that magnitude would even exist. A vast and empty void completely dwarfing everything around it.

Getting the feeling that it was somehow calling me, the uneasiness started to return. Why was such a… thing sucking me in? And I was not the only one. Everything that was around me was being drawn to it, swallowed by the darkness never to be seen again. It completely extinguished whatever crossed its path. It wasn’t just being hidden in the shadows it was being completely erased.

Was this to be my fate as well? The fate of us all? Everything that I did or would have done, would it have any point? Will it all just be sucked into the void never to be seen or heard of ever? Not even having anyone to see or hear it. What the hell would the point of being better even be? What would it matter when we will all be apart of the darkness itself. How would I even determine what is better if everything that I knew was crumbling before me? What would it all be for if at the end there was only a bottomless pit of darkness? Perhaps in a way, the universe is just like us and is trying to fill the void inside it with everything and anything that it could find.

But…There has to be something more than that. What…What is the reason that we are here if we are just going do disappear one day alongside everything and everyone we have ever known? What about Heaven? What about Hell? This can’t be what it all comes down to…This can’t be what I will be reduced to no matter what I do in life. This can’t…

The next thing I knew was that I woke up tied up to a hospital bed. I tried speaking to the nurse but she was barely able to utter a couple of words. Apparently she was terrified of me because when they brought me in I was in some sort of a manic state screaming gibberish at the top of my lungs.

I tried to tell her, warn her about what I experienced but I only managed to frighten her more. Then again, what would be the point? Even if she somehow believes me would I want her to feel like I do? Would blissful ignorance be better? Would thinking that your life has value when it does not lead in a better life and would that even matter?

Questions like that kept me awake that night. My head started to hurt and I just wanted it all to stop. I called for the doctor begging him to somehow rid me of my suffering knowing full well that there is no cure for what I have. He pushed some pills down my throat and left. The only peace of mind that I have now is when I am heavily sedated. What an existence… if it wasn’t funny it would be sad.

4 comments

  1. Yes, finishing your work, even if you hate it, is the best way to learn. I recommend Chuck Wendig’s ‘Finish Your Shit’ article on his blog for your exact situation. You have some great stuff here, so keep writing, and wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

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